You know it’s going to be a bad flight when you have to pee before you even leave the ground. I had been feeling optimistic in the Kuala Lumpur International terminal, but sitting there on the plane headed toward Hong Kong, getting more and more irritated with the pressure in my bladder, I should have known it wasn’t going to be a pleasant flight. Finally, after what seemed like hours, the ‘fasten seat belt’ sign went off and I jumped out of my seat to use the on-board lavatory. Yet somehow, SOMEhow, grandma beat me. There she was in all her glory when I opened the lavatory door to see her sitting comfortably taking care of businasty.
If that wasn’t bad enough, it turned out grandma was sitting right in front of me with her daughter next to me. Later in the flight, grandma decided to play a game of peek-a-boo with me. Now, this wasn’t the fun kind of peak-a-boo with giggling babies and surprised facial expressions. No, this was the slowest most awkward game of peak-a-boo ever to take place, with painful grimaces on grandma’s side every time she appeared above the seat back, and ‘what the heck is going on here’ looks on my side. This went on for about 10 minutes, all the while me periodically looking back at Noel, a seat behind me, in search of moral support and relief from the awkwardness of the situation.
Finally grandma settled down for a nap and left Noel and I to ponder why this 2 hour flight was taking so long. It was around this time that we realized that the flight wasn’t just 2-3 hours like we thought, but 5 hours! We were not mentally prepared for that, so we decided the best thing for us to do was try to sleep the time away. Others on our flight disagreed. The couple next to Noel thought they’d view home videos at full volume and tell jokes in Chinese followed by boisterous laughter. If they were going to tell jokes and be loud, the least they could have done was tell them in English so we could laugh, too…
I tried to listen to my iPod to drown out the noise, but it was around this time that all the juice boxes and chocolate milkshakes hit the bladders of the countless children. I seriously don’t remember seeing all these children in the terminal… perhaps we’d been airborne so long (and it did feel like years at this point) that some of the folks thought they might as well procreate. Whatever the case, these flocks of children all had to use the lavatory about 13 times each. Of course they were sitting at the front of the plane and had to use the one all the way in the back allowing them to run rampant through the aisle. Sleep was impossible. So instead I wrote these haikus:
old woman peering
children running on airplanes
this flight is too long
playground in the sky
stomping feet on airplane floors
not a wink of sleep
Finally we arrived in Hong Kong, a sigh of relief at the end of the most tiresome, irksome, awkward, bad flight in the world.