How to pee on a beach: a step by step guide

step one: there must be no bathroom facilities on or around your beach… otherwise you’re just being inconsiderate to nature and lazy.

step two: the water must be painfully cold. Perhaps around 10 degrees (or whatever the temperature of the water around Cape Town gets in autumn). AKA: impossible to enter

step three: this can’t just be an, “eh, I think I’ll pee now cause I have nothing better to do.” It has to be an, “OH MY GLORY! I have GOT to pee NOW!”

step four: explore your surroundings.  Be on the look out for gaps in trees or bushes, look for big rocks or tall grass, but always mind the pathways, people have a bad habit of walking down them.

step five: choose the rocks because even though they’re more out in the open, it’s also less out in the open… doesn’t make sense but go with it.

step six: spend the next hour familiarizing yourself with the rock behind which you’ll relieve yourself.  After all, a part of you will remain there long after you leave.  Use your stick to poke at dead crab legs in the sand and draw pictures on the rock face.  Do all this in a squatting position to accustom the other beach goers to this view – it will be less obvious that you’re peeing then, because who pees for an hour?

step seven: lose your nerve and go back to the beach blanket and sit down.

step eight: realize just how badly you have to pee and resume the painstaking work of “playing” behind a rock.

step nine: move the suit out of the way, because here comes the pee!

step ten:  cover the pee with sand.

step eleven: nonchalantly wander back toward the blanket explaining with big motions the amazing things you found behind the rock – this will throw those onlookers off the scent… literally.

step twelve: relax with a comfortable bladder and nevermind the occasional dog that stops by for a sniff or two…

Good Luck!

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